Walking on…toilet paper?

Well, we are a couple weeks into this whole coronavirus crisis and I’m here laying in bed wondering when the world will start to calm down. People are going absolutely bonkers about this and maybe I should be taking this more serious but i’m really just here. The other day someone asked me if I had stocked up on toilet paper. Well no but kinda. We actually started to run out of it like normal so I had my husband try to get some last week and well… we only got one pack so…I hope we don’t use it before this whole crisis is over.

Anyways…my husband and I have been literally together for the last 4 days going on 5. We have not been apart and its been rough. Today was kinda the breaking point. I feel like i’m walking on…well toilet paper. HA. I love him and I know he loves me but jeez. We are going to have to claim sides of the house because we are driving each other crazy. I call the cats. We will take over the house!

Well with this whole thing going on, I still have observation for school at the hospital this week. Im not sure if I should go or not. Its in the lab but I mean…still, I could get sick. They just confirmed several cases at my local hospital that i’ll be at. Im waiting for the whole town to shut down at this point. Some states have already started that and maybe it will be a good things. We are suppose to go grocery shopping at some point soon because we actually need food but the stores are apparently empty. I guess we will see how this goes. Im sure i’ll tell you about it soon.

Enjoy.

The Wedding

Have you ever wanted something to be over so bad but then at the same time so excited about it? Yes, That was my wedding day. The 8 months leading up to it, I had a panic attack about every other week. 2 weeks prior it was about every day I had one. If it wasn’t one thing going wrong it was another. I was in fact very picky about everything because I wanted it to be perfect. Whenever someone asked me about the wedding, I always get the same response, “Something will always go wrong” “You cant control everything that happens so get over it” “As long as he shows up and the officiant, you are fine” Yes I agree with all of these however, If I could stop or prevent something from going wrong  I was going too. With everyone saying these, I got annoyed real fast so I really tried to avoid wedding talk at all cost.

I did stress. I stressed to the absolute max. I did things the way I did so it was perfect. One month before the wedding, his best man told us he cant come to the wedding because of army obligations. I couldn’t be mad however I was sad he couldn’t celebrate with us. Also considering it was his brother and my brother-in-law. Wasn’t his fault. Then, two weeks before my dress basically started to fall apart. I didn’t start panicking till about 3 days before because it still wasn’t fixed. We had texted/called the seamstress and she never answered. Ohhhh that was a time I tell you. Well my mother and I fixed it ourself, it turned out perfect anyways. While this was all going on, I was getting word that if so and so showed up and so did this other person there would a fight because they hate each other. Welp. okay. Well one of them didn’t come (Thankfully because their spouse did just get arrested for murder that weekend….thats another story for another time.)

Anyways, my wedding actually turned out perfect. Let me tell you. The rehearsal dinner was perfect. Everyone was on their best behavior ( because we have some that do not know how to act) The night before my wedding I couldn’t sleep I was so excited. The day after I slept for 14 hours. lol. We had about 2 hours to set up and then I had to start getting ready for pictures. He showed up about 11 to get ready and start their pictures. Looking back that went by so fast, I can’t really remember what happen before the ceremony. Well anyways, it was ceremony time. From where I was was standing I could see him and my heart just swelled. I got so much more excited and thats crazy because I didn’t think I could.I heard the music for me to start walking down and I started to cry. I couldn’t help myself. I got to the end of the steps to take my dads arm and after that was really a blur. I remember when I made my way to the isle and saw my husband, my cheeks hurt so bad from smiling. My heart skipped every beat. His eyes were filled with tears and I cried harder. When my dad gave me away, I don’t think there was a dry eye in sight. The ceremony went on and we said our vows. Im not saying mine were a tear-jerker but also….Mine kicked ass. Then, we were married. It was a pretty great ceremony I say.

Now, we are married and living our best life. We are suppose to take our honeymoon here in the next couple weeks. I really hope it doesn’t get cancelled for this whole Coronavirus or whatever. I actually might cry. But we are married now. Married and Thriving.

Enjoy.

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A book and Thoughts

A while ago, I came across a book that I really couldn’t wrap my head around. When I first read it, I couldn’t seem to understand why I fell in love with it so fast. It did not relate to my life at all but more in the sense of I’m learning what goes on in someones head inside of a relationship. It’s quite vulgar and heart breaking but also real and transparent. Today, I started to look through the book and noticed when I had read it, I had marked a lot of quotes I really liked. I soon realized, they are all very dark and truly mind numbing.

Here are some of my favorites from the book “Diary of an oxygen Thief”  by. Anonymous

” I see now that I was in pain and wanted others to feel it, too. This was my way of communicating.”

” All I know is, I felt better when I saw someone else in pain.”

I know above I said I really didn’t relate to the story but I can relate to some of the words. As I was getting older, I didn’t care how mean I was towards others. If I was hurting, others should too. I didn’t want anyone to be more happier than I was. Which was actually pretty hard considering I was and still am a sad person. I believed that no one deserves to be happy solely because the world was a horrible place. It took me a long time to come to the conclusion that I needed to stop trying to hurt others because I was hurt. It was only hurting me worse.

” Love in disguise. Never let her know how much you love her or she’ll kill you with it.”

When I read this quote I had to stop and put the book down. It stopped me because I felt this for so long. I knew that if I let someone know how much I loved them, they would use it to hurt me more. To Break me.  I knew if I showed the tiniest bit of my heart that it would be detrimental to me until I found him and he showed me how to love.

“We are not punished for our sins, we are punished by them.”

“It was funny how it came to me. The thought of killing myself.”

“I was in a lot of pain, you see. But it had been caused by and abstract blade.”

“Yes, suicide comes like an old friend.”

Yes, I went through a very hard time in my life. My home life was fine. School was fine. My friends were fine but I was not. No one knew except me. I tried it one night but I guess you could say it didn’t work because hello. I am here. (Thankfully it didn’t because I adore my life and my new husband) My mind was my worse enemy. It was something i couldn’t run from because it was me. How could I run from myself? I thought that was the only way out. Soon after I got help and that was the hardest thing to do was ask for help.

There are so many others in the book that I love but I figured you should read it for yourself. The book is hands down my favorite and I’m about to start the second one. I’ll let you know how much I like it when i’m done.

Enjoy.

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Married and Thriving

I am 2 days post wedding and truthfully nothing has changed. Yes, I am more than blessed to be married and with the man of my dreams but also… We have lived together for the last 8 months, so the excitement of that is passed and we have cats together. The next step is a house and then of course what we are already getting questions about. BABIES. Literally the night of our wedding we had random couple ask when and how many. Welp… I don’t know. When we are ready?

Anyways, we have our honeymoon in abut two and half weeks. Im beyond excited but also two days after we get back he leaves for a month. UGH *ugly cries* I cant stop it and I have to support him. I have been asked a lot lately  ” Are you ready to pick up the responsibilities of a military spouse?” Ok and what does that mean? Stay faithful, love and support him with his career? Well duh. If I wasn’t’ t ready or didn’t want to do that then no I wouldn’t have married him.

Im sitting at a coffee shop..are we shocked? no. There are a lot of people here for a 1pm on a Monday. How are they making a living? I envy them. I wish I could spend majority of my day with my husband but someone has to make the money. Oh yeah which leads me back into what I did for my career. Uh I just quit my other job to, Yes, be back in the salon full time. Im so freaking excited. Im working half the week on my own and then other half assisting to cover my booth rent and make some cash. Don’t ask me about school because truthfully I don’t know, but this is where the thriving comes in because I’m still so unsure of if I want to still be a stylist full time or go back to school for MLT. If I could see the future, my life would be so much easier. I guess everyones would be.

I really need to get better at blogging but I suck at it. Hopefully now with a little more time on my hand I’ll do it more and better. But for now here you go.

Enjoy

 

It’s been a while

Ive been thinking lately and that’s never good when I do. Maybe there is something bigger that I am supposed to be doing with my life but what is it? Only the big man upstairs knows. I have this feeling that I should be not in the place I am. Maybe further in life than I am or maybe just not here in this city anymore. I need to figure out what it is but how?

I always dreamed of moving far away from here and starting my own business but how can I leave when I have so much anxiety? I want to travel and explore, discover new things in life but I need the comfort of having someone with me. Not just t calm my anxiety but also to experience it with me. Maybe when I eventually get married we will travel. Let’s hope.

I’m currently sitting in a coffee shop that I’m supposed to be doing homework but I’m not because I hate homework. And honestly this post is me rambling on so I don’t have to do it. Along with letting people think I’m doing something important. I’m really not. HA.

Well I have nothing else to write.

Happy Tuesday.

Just a job or a career?

As of right now I have no clue what my life will turn into. 21 working the career I went to school for and now I’m regretting what I spent the last 3 years doing honestly. I know I am young and still have time to do whatever I desire but I’m not sure what that is anymore. I really thought I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life but living where I don’t know if I will get paid the next week really just sucks. No other words to explain it really. I want to go back to school and I thought about going back to be a teacher or maybe in some type of medical maybe. How do I decide what I want to do? Not knowing causes me to think well what if I get married and have kids and have to rely on my husband to work the entire time. No I want to be able to support myself and my kids. I don’t want to put all that on him. I honestly feel like it should 50/50. I need a stable job but doing what I want. I don’t want to wake up and hate going to work. Thats not how I want to live my life.

My current job, I actually really love what I do. I love everything about it but my boss has  made me hate it so much. Really, I don’t know what is stopping me the next time I go back into work for me to quit. Well maybe the fact I don’t have a job lined up. Yes, I could find another place but I feel like its the same situation wherever I go in this field.

Although I can still change what I do with my career, how do I even begin to decided where I want to go and do?

I don’t know.

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Coffee and Anxiety

Currently early in the morning and everyone is still asleep. I can’t seem to help but find myself alone. As I lay here with my love beside me, i can’t seem to find the words to tell him how I’m drowning. How do I tell the person that means the world to me that I’m alone? That sounds crazy but what if I am crazy? What if how I see the world is considered crazy from how others see it?  Food for thought, but what is considered crazy? Jumping off of a building because you think you can fly, or feeling so alone in a room full of people? How do I get away from this? The anxiety of believing I’m the problem only seems to make it worse. But what can I do? I can get up make me a cup of hot coffee and get on with my day.

Dealing with anxiety daily is something I have done my entire life. I hear people daily exclaim they have anxiety and depression but do you really? Or is this just something you say to get attention. When I really say  “yes I do have anxiety and I’m being treated for it” I get this weird vibe from people. Its like something in the air just completely changed. Although if someone uses it completely out of text they get praised and treated no different. Its really hard to talk to people about it because they view it so bad. Its even harder to find people who understand it. I don’t ever want to talk about it or even mention it mainly because people treat me differently but also – maybe this is just me and my anxiety- but I feel like no one believes me in a way. So I only talk to my therapist and thats it. Besides like I have said before, why would I want to put my problems on someone else?

Anyways, here is to my cup of coffee with a splash of anxiety.

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